I tried to be nice

My company is having a Pre-Thanksgiving potluck tomorrow. Katherine walked around the rows asking people to kindly bring something. I thought of bringing something, the - ready made whatever. Before I had my easy-way-out idea registered, Mona looked at me innocently and commented that how I always brought "good looking" food for lunch and it's time to share. For a split of second, I did not know what to say... ok, you mean I just have to bring a "good looking" dish? And "tasting good" is not the priority?

The "good looking" dish was stuck in my mind ever since that conversation. I have to confess that it has been a while I have not cooked a good meal. Guilty. So, I tried to be nice but according to my level of laziness I chose something I thought to be "easy" - 炒冬粉 - stir fried clear noodles. Imagine, how colorful it would be with orangey-carrots, greenish peas, yellowish corns, blackish mushrooms, and golden eggs. I thought it must fit the "good looking" profile.

As usual (not too usual, just sometimes, well... whatever), my perfect idea turned out to be a mess. I had my clear noodles everywhere, corns everywhere, peas everywhere, and mess everywhere. Also, consider how difficult it is to stir-fry them... hang on to that thought, I literally working my both arms to death, just to "stir" them. So I ended up washing 2 cooking pots, 1 pan, several plates and silverwares, and cleaned up "almost" the whole kitchen.

... Just to make the "good looking" dish.
Now that it's done. I can only hope that it tastes good. Well, and looks good.

Very random...

你知道那一种 “豁出去” 的感觉吗?
有一些什么也无所谓了, 什么都不在意了.
现在的我就斟酌着这个感觉.
没有一点悲哀的意念, 却是一份执着的坚持.

“天离地何等的高, 神的慈爱向敬畏他的人, 也是和等的大.
东离西有多远,他叫我们的过犯, 离我们也有多远.” – 诗篇103:11-12

仅仅这一句话, 就够了.

我想起林义忠的福建歌… “牵我的手”

牵我的手 我的主啊 请你别离开我
有时我会惊 有时不知怎么走 有时像那听不到你的声
牵我的手 请你跟我作伴 给我的脚步又稳又定

This is so random… goodness!! But I still remember the good time when we were singing this song with kerk fong and hua jing. Do you know that even my dad liked this song?? And 林义忠 became my god daddy’s good friend? Both of them started a church in Langkawi?? This is funny. Life…

I am getting ready to go home but when I detach myself… I somehow feel like Malaysia is my past life. There are many things that I could not really remember. For example, I can no longer picture how to get from my home to gurney drive and I am not sure what kind of drink I should order when I eat out. Also, I forgot how I address my god daddy, was it “uncle moses” or “pastor”? I am afraid to see tears from Yin yin’s eyes too. She broke down when she saw me at church 3.5 years ago... I wonder how I will feel to meet Yin yin’s daughter, when I still remember how she was with Hua Ping. I wonder how am I going to greet everyone when I stepped in the church, especially all the elders who once thought what a messed up girl I was (of course, that was their perspective). I feel bad to tell Uncle Moses that I have to leave and I cannot stay to help with his church building plan. Through his loving eyes, sometimes I see loneliness. That makes it hard for me.

I am also not sure how my body will react to the heat and moist under the Malaysian sun. I do not know how I will feel when I see white hair and wrinkles on my parents’ faces. I am afraid that my perfect acting skill will betray me. I am surely afraid that my tears will cause unnecessary rages. I am also not sure should I tell the sales persons at mall to speak Hokkian with me, or just let them mistaken me as a tourist again? Honestly, I feel awkward. I have a tinkering sense of “nervousness.”

Regardless, I am prepping myself. 是应该“豁出去”的… 所以, 我才努力斟酌.

Truly God, Truly Human?

Why my king wanted to go this far for me? He must have seen something in me that He vowed to win me back. Throughout His journey on earth, He was(is) truly God and He was truly a human.

When I see Him in heaven, I will ask Him to teach me how to walk on water and how to create rainbows. Though there is one question that I will surely ask - "How was it like to be a human when you walked on this earth, climbed up Calvary, and chose the cross?" ~

"He claimed to be the Son of God, and yet he ate and drank like other men, and even got tired and lonely. What kind of creature was he?

In some ways Jesus seemed to feel "at home" here, and in other ways he felt unequivocally "not at home." I think of the single scene preserved from his adolescence, when he disappeared in Jerusalem and go scolded by his mother… "Son, why have you treated us like this?"… Jesus replied, "Why were you searching for me? Didn’t you know that I had to be in my Father’s house?"…

Living on a planet of free will and rebellion, Jesus often must have felt "not at home." At such times he went aside and prayed, as if to breathe pure air from a life-support system that would give him the strength to continue living on a polluted planet… In Gethsemane he prayed at first that the cup of suffering be taken from him, but of course it was not. That scene in the garden shows a man desperately "not at home," yet resisting all temptation toward supernatural rescue.

For me, one scene in the Gospels brings together the "at home" and "not at home" nature of Jesus. A storm blew up on the Sea of Galilee, nearly capsizing the boat in which Jesus lay sleeping. He stood up and yelled into the wind and spray, "Quiet! Be still!" The disciples shrank back in terror. What kind of person could shout to the weather as if correct an unruly child?

The display of power in the midst of a storm helped convince the disciples that Jesus was unlike any other man. Yet it also hints at the depths of Incarnation. "God is vulnerable," said the philosopher Jacques Maritain. Jesus had, after all, fallen asleep from sheer fatigue. Moreover, the Son of God was, but for this one instance of miracle, one of its victims: the creator of rain clouds was rained on, the maker of stars go hot and sweaty under the Palestine sun. Jesus subjected himself to natural laws even when, at some level, they went against his desires "If it is possible, may this cup be taken from me"). He would live, and die, by the rules of earth."

- Yancey

Wanna know why?

To Whom It May Concern:

"Soren Kierkegaard wrote about God's light touch: "Omnipotence which can lay its hand so heavily upon the world can also make its touch so light that the creature receives independence." Sometimes, I concede, I wish that God used a heavier touch. My faith suffers from too much freedom, too many temptations to disbelieve. At times I want God to overwhelm me, to overcome my doubts with certainty, to give final proofs of his existence and his concern.

I want God to taka more active role in human affairs as well... If God has done the same with Hitler, how many Jews would have been spared? Why must God "sit on his hands"?

I want God to take a more active role in my personal history too. I want quick and spectacular answers to my prayers, healing for my diseases, protection and safety for my loved ones. I want a God without ambiguity, One to whom I can point for the sake of my doubting friends.

When I think these thoughts, I recognize in myself a thin, hollow echo of the challenge that Satan hurled at Jesus two thousand years ago. God resists those temptations now as Jesus resisted them on earth, settling instead for a slower, gentler way. In George MacDonald’s words,

Instead of crushing the power of evil by divine force; instead of compelling justice and destroying the wicked; instead of making peace on earth by the rule of a perfect prince; instead of gathering the children of Jerusalem under His wings whether they would or not, and saving them from the horrors that anguished His prophetic soul – He let evil work its will while it lived; He contented Himself with the slow unencouraging ways of help essential; making men good; casting out, not merely controlling Satan…
… To love righteousness is to make it grow, not to avenge it… He resisted every impulse to work more rapidly for a lower good.

... That is how love is. Love has its own power, the only power ultimately capable of conquering the human heart.”

– Philip Yancey, Jesus I never Knew (Temptation: Showdown in the Desert)

This captures my heart more than Gigi Leung's song

"What should the Messiah look like? A People’s Messiah who could turn stones into bread to feed the multitudes? A Torah Messiah, standing tall at the lofty pinnacle of the temple? A King Messiah, ruling over not just Israel but all the kingdoms of earth? In short, Satan was offering Jesus the chance to be the thundering Messiah we think we want…… We want anything but a Suffering Messiah…" - Philip Yancey

I have been reading "The Jesus I Never Knew" lately. This is my second time of reading this truth revealing book. I cannot help but in awe again to learn about Christ through the eyes of Philip Yancey. As usual, I learnt something new. I was totally amazed by Jesus when He was tempted in the desert. How much he had restrained himself from calling down fire to destroy the evil one. How hard it was to not choose an easy way out but going to the cross? I came to the fact that we, followers of Christ, tempt our savior to the core.

Remember how some prayers sound??
"... if you are God, you can do this..."
"... even if I endanger myself, You will protect me because You love me..."
"... give me wealth, power, and fame... God, so that I can do great things for You..."

But more than thanking God for His grace and mercy, I am impressed and touched to the utmost of who He is.

Day 3: 眼淚 (Tear)

ARhhh... How true! But...

既然没有对的人走来, 那我只好等待一个神迹.
既然没有动心的原由, 那我只好眷恋你的足迹.

小嫻紀事/淚光
幸福的人，從來不用去兌現舊愛的承諾。
於是，她可以一直相信那是真的。
我希望我會幸福，永不用你來兌現那曾令我湧出眼淚的承諾。

作曲: 黃丹儀 填詞: 易家揚
編曲: Martin Tang 製作人: 馬毓芬

一個字 一些日子
時間的魔法師 告訴我許多事
眼淚 是某段愛情的名字
有些遺忘的人 比永恆更加真實
兩個人 看著彼此從遇見那一天
到分手的模式是誰 坐在那導演的位子
讓人流著眼淚品嚐　愛情的未知
等眼淚變成鑽石
等浪漫磨成理智

我曾經是你深愛的女子
你對我說過那些話是不是
等眼淚變成鑽石
等忽然夢見發過了的誓

以為說再見 愛就不會死
因為那年的我們 都是不顧一切的孩子

一段年少輕狂的記憶
一個讓我看過永遠的你

Day 2: 唇語

1 year... 3 years... Yesterday... Today... Tomorrow...
I can still read you, I know.

唇語
作曲:梁詠琪 填詞:鄭淑妃
編曲:趙登希 監製:李偲菘/李偉菘

我看見你 清清楚楚
一句別人也聽不到的
我愛你
只有我懂的默劇
不知道是我越來越像你
還是你越來越像我自己
一句話一個小動作 如此熟悉
我一定能讀得出 你的唇語
雖然只有一秒鐘而已
你已經佔滿我的記憶體
你一定能解得出 我在回應
就算只有一個眼神而已
讓我做你感情裡最後一個ending
你懂我幾分之幾 我懂你幾分之幾
某一年某一天 兩個人一起證明

我一定能讀得出 你的唇語
雖然只有一秒鐘而已
你已經佔滿我的記憶體
你一定能解得出 我在回應
就算只有一個眼神而已
讓我做你感情裡最後一個ending

Day 1: 左手無名指

I decided to have a marathon posting for my favorite Gigi Leung's songs for the rest of the week...
Since I indulged myself with a gold diamond band for the past few days, which I should not have done...
Let me dedicate this song to the owner of the ring, me, and myself...

Day 1:
左手無名指(Amour2002年度廣告主題曲)
作曲：陳曉絹 填詞：易家揚 編曲：Terence Teo 製作人：李偲菘

拔出我手裡的刺 寫完我心裡的詩
擦乾我眼裡的濕 這是我最後一次
接受我和你的遲 忽略我恨你的癡
紀錄我愛你的事 用盡我會的單字
刺你的名字在我左手的無名指
寫你的故事在我隨身的簿子
畫你的樣子在我落淚的那一次
愛情在殘忍的都市 一天天消失

飛過了多少城市 浪費了多少小時
愛就是這麼回事
看過了多少小說
穿過了多少小河
弄丟了你給的戒指

刺你的名字在我左手的無名指
寫你的故事在我隨身的簿子
畫你的樣子在我落淚的那一次
愛情在殘忍的都市 一天天消失

Back to ROUTINE

I had dinner with Alison this evening and I told her everything about my nostalgic moments. She laughed and told me that it was okay - human nature. I had enough indulgence for the past few days. So, I shuffled aside whatever that had been dancing around my mind and… by the way, I changed my ring. It is time to put aside again. Ironically, what a ring lover I am. Apparently, I am my mom’s gene split-over.

Finally my flight back to Penang was confirmed… I am looking forward to meet Hua Jing and enjoy my flight with Wan Nee on Nov. 11. Nevertheless, I feel an absolute depression of having myself flying a long-hauled flight again. YES, again!!! ~_~

I wish I could have a space machine. I wish I could have a Doremon’s door. I wish I could travel in a blink of my eyes. I wish I could be 任性 a little.

Somehow I feel awkward that I am back to my routined- life again, what a bittersweet feeling. So, I am still waiting… waiting for my promotion, waiting for the right time to move, waiting for 2006 to start some other “routines”, waiting for leading a new cell group, waiting for another vacation, waiting for someone to get saved, waiting for another miracle, waiting for my wishes and dreams come true… Our lives are always under process, the process of waiting.

Last Report

September 29, 2005

I was busy wrapping up work before heading to Switzerland. I arrived in Geneva at 2230 local time.

Seeing a familiar face… my heart was warmed instantly. It was great to see Roger again. Except his hairstyle, he does not change much. Let me count, this was his 3rd time picking me up from the CH airport, and it was the 2nd time from the Geneva airport.

Thank you for driving and hosting me!!!

September 30, 2005

Roger again prepared a full breakfast for Tommy and I before he left for work in the early morning. By the way, he left instant coffee on the counter top too. How thoughtful is he?

I took Tommy to Luzern. The city did not change much. It was still the nice bridge and atmosphere. There, I bought a nice orange sweater and an A-line skirt. I thank God for allowing me to be a gal!!!

My throat was getting scratchy but I still needed to practice salsa dance with Roger. It was all about the performance for the wedding. One thing, I have to say… It was wonderful to dance with my dance partner again ^_* ~ even our styles might not be fully compatible, it was great to dance and flow in the music rhythm again with him. So long… my dance partner.


October 1, 2005

We walked around the city of Bern in noon… Couldn’t help to remember all the little paths I had walked and things I had done when I first visited Bern. After all, it was a sweet memory. Bern is the city, which reminded me of the Kiki Delivery.

The BIG day of Binh and Mouy!!
They both are meant to be together.
I knew it when I first saw Binh and Mouy.
I am glad they found each another. I am happy they started to wear the rings of unity. I am looking forward to see them grow old together with the brightest smiles on their faces.

Congratulation!!!

October 2, 2005

We slept till 1130am.
Roger took us to the Paul Klee’s museum. http://artchive.com/artchive/K/klee.html
Very interesting. Too bad, my health was deteriorating. For the whole day, I did not feel well.

I met Roger Meyer at the train station in the evening. Seeing him dressed in uniform, he seemed to grow up much.

After dinner, I could not help but crashed early. I did not want to end my day in Bern this way but I was too weak to have another dream or fulfill my promise.

Aik Leong, I will take your advice when I ever set foot on this land and if my heart did not change. I assure you.

October 3, 2005

It was weird that I kept seeing you looking back, and you kept seeing me off...

Once again seeing the old city of Lausanne… I felt the sense of lingering. As if I was still a student, who spent my weekdays running around the city, struggled with my French, and hungry for another ham-and-cheese crepe.

Meeting with Milagros, Alex, Lucie, and little Alyssa, was GREAT. I missed them… and I missed my life in Switzerland somehow. I have so many friends and good times here. I couldn’t help but feel 物是人非, 事事休.

Thank God that I did treasure and cherish every moment when I was there because I knew that I could never turn back the clock.

My vacation approached to the end, I left Geneva in the evening to London.

October 4, 2005

Left London at 1100am.
End of vacation.