Very random...

你知道那一种 “豁出去” 的感觉吗?
有一些什么也无所谓了, 什么都不在意了.
现在的我就斟酌着这个感觉.
没有一点悲哀的意念, 却是一份执着的坚持.

“天离地何等的高, 神的慈爱向敬畏他的人, 也是和等的大.
东离西有多远,他叫我们的过犯, 离我们也有多远.” – 诗篇103:11-12

仅仅这一句话, 就够了.

我想起林义忠的福建歌… “牵我的手”

牵我的手 我的主啊 请你别离开我
有时我会惊 有时不知怎么走 有时像那听不到你的声
牵我的手 请你跟我作伴 给我的脚步又稳又定

This is so random… goodness!! But I still remember the good time when we were singing this song with kerk fong and hua jing. Do you know that even my dad liked this song?? And 林义忠 became my god daddy’s good friend? Both of them started a church in Langkawi?? This is funny. Life…

I am getting ready to go home but when I detach myself… I somehow feel like Malaysia is my past life. There are many things that I could not really remember. For example, I can no longer picture how to get from my home to gurney drive and I am not sure what kind of drink I should order when I eat out. Also, I forgot how I address my god daddy, was it “uncle moses” or “pastor”? I am afraid to see tears from Yin yin’s eyes too. She broke down when she saw me at church 3.5 years ago... I wonder how I will feel to meet Yin yin’s daughter, when I still remember how she was with Hua Ping. I wonder how am I going to greet everyone when I stepped in the church, especially all the elders who once thought what a messed up girl I was (of course, that was their perspective). I feel bad to tell Uncle Moses that I have to leave and I cannot stay to help with his church building plan. Through his loving eyes, sometimes I see loneliness. That makes it hard for me.

I am also not sure how my body will react to the heat and moist under the Malaysian sun. I do not know how I will feel when I see white hair and wrinkles on my parents’ faces. I am afraid that my perfect acting skill will betray me. I am surely afraid that my tears will cause unnecessary rages. I am also not sure should I tell the sales persons at mall to speak Hokkian with me, or just let them mistaken me as a tourist again? Honestly, I feel awkward. I have a tinkering sense of “nervousness.”

Regardless, I am prepping myself. 是应该“豁出去”的… 所以, 我才努力斟酌.