God's answer - Part II

… victimized? Thus He explained to me…

We have long taken up the role as victims. The world tells us that we are victims of unfairness… we are victims of social inequality. We are victims of poverty. We are victims for others being geniuses. We are victims of life. We are victims!!!

So, we get angry because we thought we were hurt. We learn not to trust and rejoice over others’ success because we have no part of them. We learn how to blame because we are victims of others’ mistakes.

We learn to harden our hearts because we don’t want to get hurt no more. We learn to categorize our friends and enemies because we are afraid of betrayal. We learn to live a microscopic life because we believe that if we don’t love ourselves, nobody else in the world will.

We learn to gather wealth because the society educates us that this is the only thing on earth yields security. We learn not to be “too generous” and “emotional” because we may loose much and there is no one to help us get through the dark tunnel. We learn to love looking down and belittle of others because we hate to be insignificant and our prides are too fragile.

We learn to built walls and upgrade our individual connotation because association with others are superficial. We learn to believe that our apparatuses are sufficient because we cannot afford not to. We learn to play safe and pray safe because God might be too busy to answer our far-fetch hopes. We learn to be ignorant of our attitudes and presentation because we thought we were dust and to dust we shall return.

... God helped me to see and realize that a life without Christ and truly knowing our kingdom identities is a life not worth living.

Zoe's qustions - Part I

I always wonder why generosity is such a rare gem. I wonder why a cheerful giver is such a hard-to-find. I wonder why favoritism and self-center sneak in the picture of life.

I wonder why a kindly smile is so scarce nowadays. I wonder why writing a check to someone in needs or support a ministry is unbelievable. I wonder why we question and condemn God of His sovereignty over death and poverty, when we position ourselves as bystanders.

I wonder why showing thankfulness and showering our friends and love ones with good gifts and words of praise are such demanding acts. I wonder how the figures on bank account could contribute a second of joy and satisfaction, when number gives no value or whatsoever if it stays as it is. I wonder why the relativity between time and money casts a small gap, when evidently no man on earth can turn back the clock.

I wonder why people choose money over time. I wonder why we buy good gifts to people close to us, yet give average or poor gifts to acquaintances. I wonder why we tend to keep the best things for ourselves but share our lousy mess with the world.

I wonder why people try to save $10 – 20 bucks weekly grocery, which requires 10 years to save up to $5200 – 10,400 (after the calculation of net present value, the end value is much lesser than expected) but spend hundreds of thousand dollars to redeem their poor health. I wonder why being ambassadors of Christ, we neglected of our attitudes, appearances, manners, diet, mindset, life standards, worldwide view, and etc? I wonder why we present ourselves closer to losers than winners?

Why is that? Why??

God answered my questions this morning when I was making myself a cup of coffee. He said, “… self-victimization. People assume the position of being victimized…” I was like “Huh?!” but as always… He made it clear.

Let me explain in my next entry…

Because I choose not to see?

I usually dream a lot
My dreams full of colors, adventure, and strange settings…
Last night, I had another revealing dream about myself

In the dream, I was happily strolling down the street with a person next to me
I remember he was a head taller than me, which made him about 5’ 9
I remember he looked very confident and bright
He could be Christ, Himself, I suspects ^_^

We had a casual conversation
Suddenly, I told him, “I never know that the feeling could be so good being with you…”
He turned around, smiled, and said, “… because you chose not to see it.”

I wonder how often I do that
Like others
I think I choose to see and not to see things selectively

Nevertheless, this one thing I pray…
that I will always see God’s fingerprints in my life
Without Him, I can see nothing
It is no longer a choice
It is His glory that I want to SEE


Psalm 63:2 I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Psalm 97:6 The heavens proclaim his righteousness, and all the peoples see his glory.

His story didn’t end there

This morning God spoke to me 4 times
- A song, a reminder, a strong affirmation, and a message.

A Song:
When I woke up this morning, the song “One Desire” echoed in my mind. Once I got into my car, I picked up a hillsongs CD in hope of finding it.

A Reminder:
When the “One Desire” was playing behind the background, I was reminded of the revelation that God showed Angeline. It was like a truth became a personal experience, a transformation of knowledge into imprint - He knows my heart and He hears me.

A Strong Affirmation:
Just right after I merged into freeway 237, He said, “I am enough for you.” My tears welled up because at that moment, I couldn’t be more convinced that Christ alone is enough for me. I almost wanted to declare my lifetime celibacy but He stopped my thought. Isn’t He funny?

A Message:
At church, Pastor Adam preached about the story of the alabaster jar. This story is my all time favorite story in Luke 7:36-50. Nevertheless, my revelation was about the cost of the alabaster jar…
Mary paid a high cost of sins in exchange of an alabaster jar and nard perfume. How about us? We also pay a high cost of sins in exchange of something… Pride? Fame? Money? Temporary happiness? But when we bring all these things back to the feet of Christ, there we find forgiveness and freedom. The best part is that Christ does not just forgive our sins but He allows us to love Him back.

That was the reason that His story did not end at the cross, but began on the third day… and He promised to come back for us.

“One Desire”
You gave it all for me
My soul desire
My everything
All I am is devoted to You
How could I fail to see You are the love that rescued me
And all I am is devoted to You
And oh, how could I not be moved Lord here with me
So have Your way in me
Cause Lord there is just one thing
That I will seek
This is my cry My one desire
Just to be where You are Lord Now and forever
It's more than a song My one desire
Is to be with You Is to be with You Jesus
The one thing The one thing I ask
Is to be with You

I am not around

Just to let you know…
I am not answering my phone, emails, and messages
I am not around, even if I am here
Forgive me

I feel comforted after reading Hua Jing’s blog because we are on the same boat of tiredness. If you want to know my hereabouts, this is it…

I am overloaded with pressure from all sides
I have plenty of work needs to be done, which “Excellence” is the only acceptable result
I have my plans around my career, which I have to execute
I have dear friends who need my time and love
I have my precious family that longs to hear my voice and laughter
I have the one and only temple of the Lord to take care of
I have my personal devotion and quiet time to hold myself together
… The most important is that I need to have time ALONE with my God.

So… how am I doing now?
Let alone tiredness…
I lost my appetites for food
Yet hunger casts on me the “fainting spell”
Energy is drained to the rock bottom every night before I slumber on my bed
My left knee is causing me pain without reason
Emotionally, I am fine just a sense of “Isolation” is still clinging on me
Spiritually, I am wired up because I cannot stop, I have to run
I don’t have time and He is before me

You should be flattered, if someone would like to have a piece of you in his/her life.
Nevertheless, just like what Aragorn told Eowny, “It is but a shadow and a thought that you love, I cannot give you what you seek.” – I feel the same way to some others.

Speed Up

After hearing the Words of God and His whisper in my heart. I am clear with where I am heading again. Kim Clement reminded me that a glimpse of His vision and calling could drive me thousand miles running without weary. I linger not around things and people that will cause me to delay His purposes being accomplished.

I could not hold my tears when I took the glimpses of people dancing on the streets of gold, every knees bow, the Ancient of Days takes His place, and I may one day stand before Him and tell Him that I have spent my whole life pursing Him.

Shame on me if my heart is not for His kingdom! Shame on me if my gaze is not on Him! Shame on me if my selfish wishes are for my personal gain! Shame on me if I allow the worldly standards to paralyze me!

Once Aik Leong said that he could not follow my footsteps. Yes, indeed, because I am restlessly pursuing Him with all that I am.

Once Roger said that he knew what was the most important thing in life for me, which he could win the whole world but fail to give this very thing to me. Yes, indeed, because I was made for His glory.

Once a client of mine told me that as a woman, I almost reached perfection. I laughed as she did not see my brokenness but yes, indeed, she saw the splendor of His glory that made me whole.

"Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Charles

I dreamt of Charles last night.
He had the same appearance as the time when I first came to know him.
He was 17. I guess... or could be younger.
We had a conversation.
He placed my hand on his chest so tight till I could feel his heart beating.
It seemed like he was telling a story which he wished he could turn back the clock.
…
I said, it was only 6 months… but he said, no, it was 5 years.
5 years?

I could not reach a conclusion.
Uummm… maybe he was right. 5 years.
It must be the lost time that I did not know it ever existed.

It was a weird dream... it seemed like his spirit traveled thousands of miles just to tell me that.