Isaiah 40:31

I had abandoned blogging for weeks.
I spent my past weeks working, shopping, and shopping… did I mention “shopping”?
… Just to get ready to head back for all the weddings and meetings with family.

The heaviness that I mentioned on my previous entry left me after a day or two I posted the entry. As if once I declared war, the enemy fled the battle ground. So, I won. Nevertheless, I know the haunting will come back one day because we will never cease the longing of wholeness in this yet to be perfected world. It is like going through the whinny road and the valley of distress, I realize that my joy is full in the Lord.

Words became rhema to me this morning when I heard Isaiah 40: 29-31 was read by an innocent voice of a little boy.

Trusting and following the Lord does not exempt us from tribulation. It does not prevent us from loosing hopes and being discouraged. It does not as well isolate us from being swapped away from this overwhelming life. There will be times, when we are at the bottom of a pit hole, when we thought we lost it all, when we have no strength to hope and dream again, when we are heart broken to the point tears are frozen within, when we wake up every morning and wonder why we live, and when our prayers become the greatest disappointment... BUT, we can always come back up again. We can always find new hope and new strength. It is His faithfulness and love gives us courage to ignite small flame of hope and turn it into a consuming fire.

Isaiah 40: 29-31
29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

A temporary hiccup - "heat-up"

The spirit of heaviness has been upon me. I even feel difficult to breathe at times. Some moments, I can feel pain coming from inside out. It seems like heartache without reason. And it comes and goes.

No matter in what situation, I want to cope it sweet. Nevertheless, I guess it is the tiredness and mundane daily routines that corner me to the edge. Somehow, I experience a force tries to turn me into an “ordinary” person. A person, who accepts life is just routine and dares not to dream. It is like a tug of war rages between Zoe and Zoë’s old self, I suspect. As if a voice tells me to surrender… but another part of me refuses to cease struggling.

I don’t want an ordinary life. I want a victorious life.
I don’t want to surrender to where I am. I want to pursue the plan that God has for me.
I don’t want to settle for the second-best. I want God’s best.
I don’t want to go to work, come home, dine with friends, and watch movies. I want to go around the world to share about how good God is and how amazing He is in Himself.
I don’t want to hurt another person for who one is or what one does. I want to share and rejoice in what I see in my vision, feel in my senses, and the solid steps marked everyday.
I don’t want to feel defeated. I want to live my life out loud for God’s glory.
I don’t want to stop and whine. I want to move and give praise.

Bear with me, if you see confusion in me.
Forgive me, if you see me all over the map and speak of things that sound pitiful and dim.
Pray for me, if you are concerned.

I am fighting hard over this heaviness. I have been praying and rebuking it. I know that it will soon depart for my eyes are fixed on the Lord. I told my roommate that what I am going through now seems like a labor pain. The breakthrough is at hands and only one more lap left in the race.

If it is a war, so be it because I don’t see it will last for long. Because…

My Lord and I win anyway.

Meeting the Unexpected

Like a story you usually find in a novel or a movie… the unexpected happens.
It is like a staged encounter that makes you grasp your breath and you thought your heart would stop in that moment.

Sunday afternoon, Sept. 24th, I happily walked out from a bakery store in Great Mall with cranberries walnut bread on my hand with my cousin, Lila. While I was still not done laughing at Lila’s sensitive sense for food, I felt someone was trying to cover my eyes from the back. In a split of second, I thought to myself how familiar the move was. As my eyes met the figure standing behind me, I was shocked and surprised as if my heart jumped out of my throat. It was him, Keng Keat. That is how I address him all this while but I guess he started to go with “Jerry” when he studied in Melbourne. An old time friend who I hadn’t seen for 10 years, and to whom I wanted to express my deepest apology and wished to win back as a friend.

Even though we didn’t get a chance to talk much and I needed time to recover from this unexpected surprise, I was smart enough to ask where he stayed. After I went home, I did a search online and made a few phone calls to track him down. I left him a message and in hope that I would able to take him out before he left the bay area. I was in awe of how all things could come together sometimes. Jerry told me that he saw me passed by when he was browsing through clothes inside a store. Imagine this, if we were heading to the same direction, we would never meet. I am thankful that he called. I am thrilled that he would approach me with poise and kindness.

We spent our dinner together on Tuesday evening after I was lost for almost 30 mins on my way to his hotel. This lesson taught me to look at the map, instead of believing everything on the printed direction. Also, we spent Friday and Saturday together for a few mini tours in the bay area and San Francisco.

This is what I have to say him…

Keng Keat,

It is like learning about you all over.

As you said, I could still see a shadow of your old self but I appreciate who you are today after the baptism of time, successes, and failures.

Thank you for recalling who I was and allowing me to be who I am today. Many things have changed but there is always something remains the same. I had a great deal of fun talking with you about Sarah Brightman, Josh Groban, animes, Japanese series, music, life values, books, business, and management. Indeed that you still like to talk but now, with much meaningful and insightful contents. The best part was that I was not just the one who did the talking. By the way, I have to agree with you that my sense of “direction” is good and it will get better because I never cease to follow the lanterns of my feet.

You are becoming a fine man. I shall not be surprised of your exponential growth in the coming years for I always see the potential in you, even 10 years ago. Just slow down your step sometimes, take a deep breathe, ponder the beauty of God’s creation, and dream a greater dream.

I pray that the exquisite pain is traded in for an exquisite joy that nobody can steal away. I pray that you would one day understand that to loose it all is for the greater purpose from above.

Till we meet again.