Redeem my heart again

This is my prayer since last night.
“Lord, redeem my heart again and undo what I have become.”

Lately, I have been pausing and checking myself.
I wonder what I have become. I wonder if I am heading to the right direction. I wonder after all that have said and done, am I pleasing the Lord or myself? I wonder when I draw a line and put my foot down; did I accidentally crush a glimpse of hope for others?

I have been praying Daniel 2:20 after Judy told me so…
“Lord, please reveal the secret in the darkness for me so that I would understand…”

I started to see my own reflection as an outsider when I am with different people. In some people’s presence, they bring out the best of me and my heart is lightened and my joy is full. With some others, I can see the other side of untamed self. I call that as my “ugly” self.

If I would need to marry someone, I guess I will choose the first group. Instead of feeling frustrated, disappointed, insecure, and sparks of anger, I want to be able to serve with a cheerful heart, accepted, and submitted to him… or at least, the best of Zoë can be unleashed.

Being a lover of Christ, I clearly recognize the power of love and forgiveness, graciousness and kindness. Yet, I am trapped in between the world of righteousness and hatred of sins. I believe the Lord feels the same when He hates our sins to the core while He cannot help Himself to love us. It is like – we keep pushing and testing His tolerance as if holding the bargain chips on His nature of love. I think He feels the same struggle when He holds up the standard of righteousness but forgive us EVERY TIME when we blow it. He is as well trapped in His gift of freewill to mankind.

The feeling of helplessness…
I wonder why resistance could be so strong against the motion of change. Even when the truth is loudly presented, our ears are heavy to listen and our state of mind refuses to attune… or our persistency and consistency fail terribly to follow through before seeing it overcomes the barriers and challenges. They said it is about motivation and encouragement… apparently the truth itself does not invoke true motivation and encouragement.

Alas, for the truth to travel from head to heart takes a long time… without God, the change of heart seems to be unattainable. After all, I guess there is where the power of cross manifests itself brightest - The end of ways of man is the beginning of God.

Without God, what else can we do? What hope can we have? What promises can we cling on as our anchor of life? Without Christ, the sun would refuse to shine, the stars would fade away into darkness.

This is my prayer again… today and tomorrow till the reset surgery is completed:
“Lord, redeem my heart again and undo what I have become.”

And my praise for the Lord will not cease!!!

The Time has Come - Hillsong
Found love beyond all reason. You gave Your life Your all for me, and called me Yours forever.
Caught in the mercy fallout. I found hope found life, found all I need. You're all I need.

The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I for one am gonna give my praise to You .
Today today it's all or nothing. All they way, the praise goes out to You. Yeah all the praise goes out to You
Today today I live for one thing to give You praise. In everything I do, yeah all the praise goes out to You.
(Fromthe top)

All we are is Yours and all we're living for. Is all You are. Is all that You are Lord (x2)
The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I for one am gonna give my praise to You (x2)
Today today it's all or nothing. All they way, the praise goes out to You, yeah all the praise goes out to You.
Today today I live for one thing to give You praise.
In everything I do, yeah all the praise goes out to You (3x)