Dedicated to Anna

I am hesitated to step into time and try to recall the somewhat not so pleasant and, in fact, mistreated memories. Nevertheless, you need to hear this because the Lord has put such a burden in my heart to share with you. Hence, I have won the victory and I am confirming to the image of God each day. Even though I am yet to be perfect, I am spending my whole life to be who God wants me to be.

Anna, I know how it feels like when your closest friends have abandoned you. I know the devastation of being isolated and separated. I understand the struggle of proving to others that you are not loosing yourself and eagerly want to be better with your potential in full launched. I know how you want to run away when others cast upon you the meanest look and speak of lies that never make sense. I know it all.

People who grew up with me knew that I had long hair and my mother loved to braid it and put on it beautiful ribbons and ornaments. I was set on stage for performance ever since I was about three. Dancing came so natural to me as if breathing. I grew up under spotlights, literally. While it was supposed to be the best thing ever happened to a child, it tormented me for years. Why? It is because I was born under a society that has different values and expectations. I had no place to be myself and the only way to live peacefully is to be like one of them.

Schoolmates belittled of me because they thought I thirsted for fame and glory, and that I traded my dignity for boys. I experienced isolation and separation. It was not my worst nightmare but it was bad enough to be classified as second-class citizen. Even my after-school tuition class teacher did not like me for who I was. Her non-verbal communicated how pitiful I was and I was good for nothing. I don’t think she ever thought that I could finish my college in U.S. and obtain a master degree in Switzerland. To her, I was just an ordinary girl who couldn’t wait to grow up and somewhat “not bright.”

I cut my hair as short as I was allowed (due to school rules) throughout my high school. I made myself look much like a boy than a girl, which gave my mom heart attacks every time I came back from my hair dresser ^_^ , just to wall against some poisonous words. I don’t remember that I ever fit in. I had been an outcast among the bright and smart kids.

I sought comfort in God and at church but attacks did not cease. Right after I committed myself to the Lord on Nov. 12, 1992, I walked in a fine line. Attacks came from all corners, spiritually, friendships, and at school. Some of my closest friends at church refused to speak with me completely due to my association with some other broken people who needed friendships. Some older women at church gave me cold shoulders and told their children to stay away from me. I was once again experienced abandonment. Back in my mind, I questioned. Are they not Christians? Didn’t Jesus be friends to the poorest in spirits and social outcasts? Didn’t Paul say that to be all things to all men, in order to win some for God? Isn’t Christianity a hope for the hopeless? I was confused. I had a choice to turn back and deny God and gave up my trust in God because after all Christians were indifferent. In the matter of fact, they were worse than the world because they preached about righteousness but they were hypocrites. Should I just give up hopes, dreams, and became who they thought I was? Should I walk away from the “self-claimed” loving God and His “people”? I was lost.

I thank God that I have cool and unconventional parents. They are strong emotionally and constantly give me strength to carry on and courage to excel myself. Their love and cares protected me from falling. After my commitment to the Lord, everything changed. I had Yin Yin to encourage me and the Holy Spirit convicted my motive and reminded me the reasons why I wanted Christ in my life. I told the Lord, “I come to Your house to worship You, not others. You are the reason that I have a new life and a new hope. You are the One I choose to worship and love. I am not going to care how people look at me and what people say about me. If they hate me, so be it. But if they need my help, I will not stay silent. I want to be Who You Are.”

My experience left some scars and caused me to run away from myself. I was afraid to see beauty and talents in myself because “they” told me that I had none. My self-esteem was brutally wounded and my pride was trampled. Nevertheless, Jesus is my comfort. He gave me beauty for ashes. He is my pride. He is the One who hold my hands to the end. He is the One who sees beyond who I was and knows who I am becoming.

I have won, Anna. Even though the battle didn’t end there and I had encountered other blows at times, I am growing strong each day. I know I am fully accepted in Christ and my parents are proud of me. The victory is mine, Anna. I have been set free by the blood of Christ and I want to be used by the Lord. I am still running but I am no longer running away, I am running toward God and the prize.

After all, it is not about me. It is not about “them,” either. It is about Christ. Therefore, no longer I want to loose hopes. No longer, I want to drift away. No longer, I want to give up. Because I know the plan God has for me surpasses the most glorious moment I could think or dream of. I know that when I fix my eyes upon the Lord, everything around me becomes nothing but shadows.

Anna, you always tell me that you wanted to be like me. Guess what? I don’t want you to be like me. I want you be the unique Anna that God has fashioned you. I know you are weak but only through your weakness that the power of God can complete you.

Since God told me to prophesize more in speaking words this year, I am telling you what I see in my vision of you. I see the strong Anna who is not afraid of adversities and brave to say “NO” to the world. I see the passionate Anna who goes around every corners of the world and speaks of His good news. I see the tender Anna whose heart goes out to the poor and needed. I see the humble Anna who has friends from different countries and skin colors. I see the glorious Anna who is clothed by the power from the Most High God.

This is the Anna that I see, so tell me what do you see in yourself?